I'm tired...

Oh hi hello!!! Oh my guacamole! i can't believe that it has been more than a year since my last post, time flies so fast, buddies. Yeah, 2015 just passed and i had pretty much ups and downs in that year. Starting from my losing battle in a competition which was so embarrassing, the-super-hectic-end-year which drained all of my energy, until my bestfriend who had to go to the heaven which the most heartbreaking thing in 2015. And now in 2016, i feel more excited and curious about what will happen in this year.

But there's something bugging my mind. Okay it was started when my friends have already lost faith in me, i mean they now don't believe with me anymore. I still haven't figure out what happen, what is the reason, and i feel like i didn't do anything bad to them. But i can't blame something that i don't really understand, so i'm starting to blame on myself. Last year i felt no energy on both organization that i followed, i didn't like the leaders thus made me oh-so-lazy. Because of that dislike-thing, i began unaware to those organizations, i only did my jobs which some of it were not going well, but i never showed up. I just liked being at my room, reading, watching movies, sleeping, instead of attend the meeting. Oh no that was heard terribly bad, i still joined some events, and one of it was really big event, yep international conference. Maybe my friends though that i've already joined that big event and i would not capable to hold another jobs in organization and yeah, such a boom for me, it was lower my self-esteem. Now i feel like i don't have any confidence, i'm so afraid of doing something, i'm not interesting at talking with people and the worse is.................i can't control my words thus some persons are hurting because of my language, also manner. But in the other side i don't want to be like that but it just naturally came out from me like i couldn't take any control of it. Seems like i'm battling with evil inside me. I even barely know myself, i don't understand about myself, i confuse with my own self and nobody can help, sometimes i'm not being myself but sometimes i'm too being myself.

I'm drowning into my own sin, i keep talk to God, begging Him a help and i believe He will give me in His time, but not now. I just hope that i could get my energy back, my wild-crazy-ideas, creative things and my spirit. I'm tired being like this, i'm tired being ignored, i'm tired being oh-so-lazy, i'm tired battling with myself, i'm definitely tired keeping these grenade inside my heart, and i'm tired of finding myself. But well yeah i'm a bit happy to back to the keyboard and blogspot, like i can tell everything that dazzling on my mind in here, free, without giving a damn for what other people think. It's 3AM here, and i'm so sleepy, pardon me for my grammatical error hahaha, thank youuu~